I am not a victim. I grew up in a middle class home, never having to worry about putting food on the table.
Despite this, I feel guilt nearly every day for being here, and being a financial burden on my family.
None of my grandparents went to college, and just one completed high school. My grandparents lived through the Depression, my grandmother's family literally losing the family farm.
I think because of their hardships and lack of formal schooling, they wanted my parents to go to college in order to climb the ladder of socioeconomic success. My father went to community college and my mother went to a state school. Likewise, my brother went to community college and my sister went to a state school.
With both of my siblings, the expectation was that our parents would help pay for the first year of college, but everything after that would be on them. Because of the relative low cost of their schools, this was not unreasonable. It was assumed that the same rule would apply to me. And it does.
My parents are proud of me that I could get into a school as prestigious as Carleton. I can tell that they are not so happy about the price tag. I'm not either. When it's all said and done, I will likely have about $90,000 in student loan debt.
This has led to a personal reckoning. I would love to be a teacher, perhaps going back to teach in the same public high school in the working-class, rural town I grew up in, or maybe working in an area even more in need of teachers than that.
But I have been told by voices in my head that that would be a waste. Why would I become a teacher after going to Carleton and accruing all of this debt, when I could've easily gone to public school like my mother and my sister and done the same thing?
As my father and I were chopping wood together, he said to me, "I'm sure when you grow up, you'll have three fireplaces in your fancy house."
I guess that is the expectation, that I find a high-paying job to validate my going to such an expensive school, to validate my parents having to sell things, to validate them going into debt, to validate my going into debt.
When I told a friend of mine about the guilt I felt, how I felt that I needed to somehow pay my parents back, my friend told me that it was a dangerous thought, one unimaginable, considering that their family places such a high value on education that they pay for it all themselves. It was a shocking thought, one that left me wondering why willingness/ability to pay was equated with how much my family values my education. I know my friend didn't mean anything by that comment, it was probably just the first encounter they had had with someone in such a situation.
My guilt has subsided a little. I am fully aware that I will have to some day pay for this wonderful education I have received. I will make it work, no matter how long it takes. I will also try my hardest to avoid judgment of others' experiences, simply because they went to a private school, a ritzy public suburban high school, or wear certain types of clothing. Lastly, I hope to have more productive conversations about class, tuition, and background, so that my own experiences can be broadened.
Despite this, I feel guilt nearly every day for being here, and being a financial burden on my family.
None of my grandparents went to college, and just one completed high school. My grandparents lived through the Depression, my grandmother's family literally losing the family farm.
I think because of their hardships and lack of formal schooling, they wanted my parents to go to college in order to climb the ladder of socioeconomic success. My father went to community college and my mother went to a state school. Likewise, my brother went to community college and my sister went to a state school.
With both of my siblings, the expectation was that our parents would help pay for the first year of college, but everything after that would be on them. Because of the relative low cost of their schools, this was not unreasonable. It was assumed that the same rule would apply to me. And it does.
My parents are proud of me that I could get into a school as prestigious as Carleton. I can tell that they are not so happy about the price tag. I'm not either. When it's all said and done, I will likely have about $90,000 in student loan debt.
This has led to a personal reckoning. I would love to be a teacher, perhaps going back to teach in the same public high school in the working-class, rural town I grew up in, or maybe working in an area even more in need of teachers than that.
But I have been told by voices in my head that that would be a waste. Why would I become a teacher after going to Carleton and accruing all of this debt, when I could've easily gone to public school like my mother and my sister and done the same thing?
As my father and I were chopping wood together, he said to me, "I'm sure when you grow up, you'll have three fireplaces in your fancy house."
I guess that is the expectation, that I find a high-paying job to validate my going to such an expensive school, to validate my parents having to sell things, to validate them going into debt, to validate my going into debt.
When I told a friend of mine about the guilt I felt, how I felt that I needed to somehow pay my parents back, my friend told me that it was a dangerous thought, one unimaginable, considering that their family places such a high value on education that they pay for it all themselves. It was a shocking thought, one that left me wondering why willingness/ability to pay was equated with how much my family values my education. I know my friend didn't mean anything by that comment, it was probably just the first encounter they had had with someone in such a situation.
My guilt has subsided a little. I am fully aware that I will have to some day pay for this wonderful education I have received. I will make it work, no matter how long it takes. I will also try my hardest to avoid judgment of others' experiences, simply because they went to a private school, a ritzy public suburban high school, or wear certain types of clothing. Lastly, I hope to have more productive conversations about class, tuition, and background, so that my own experiences can be broadened.